I really hate playing without hearing myself.
I once was asked to play the piano (actually one of my 88-key midi keyboards) in an outdoor event at a church men’s retreat. The keyboard was a midi controller only, no synthesized sounds or speakers. In connecting the synthesizer to the sound system they forgot to bring a monitor speaker!
If it had been an acoustic piano I probably could have heard what I was playing but with just the speakers (pointed to the large group of men singing very loudly!) I could not hear anything but the singing. I’ll never do that again without at least running headphones!
Bottom line - if I can’t hear what I’m playing I can’t, or won’t, play.
JKJ